open · Team Building, Empathy, Icebreaker · 30–45 min · pairs, 2-100 people · low energy

36 Questions for Increasing Closeness

Pairs take turns asking each other three sets of twelve questions, each set more personal than the last, alternating who answers first. Set one is light (who would be your ideal dinner guest), set two goes into memories and values, set three into vulnerabilities. In the original study, strangers who did this felt markedly closer than pairs who asked small-talk questions.

When to use 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness

Use on the first evening of a retreat to pair people who barely know each other, when the group will need to trust each other over the coming days.

What it solves

Retreat icebreakers stay at the level of fun facts, so people spend two days with colleagues they still do not really know.

How to run 36 Questions for Increasing Closeness, step by step

  1. Pair people who do not know each other well and hand out the question sheet (3 min).
  2. Set one: take turns with questions 1-12, alternating who answers first (10-15 min).
  3. Set two: questions 13-24 (10-15 min).
  4. Set three: questions 25-36. Remind people they can skip any question (10-15 min).
  5. Optional brief round in plenary: one word each on how the conversation felt (5 min).

Materials needed

  • Printed question sheets, one per pair
  • Comfortable spots for pairs, indoors or out
  • Timer

Facilitator tips

  • Tell people up front they can skip any question. It makes them more willing to try the rest.
  • Review set three for your context; some questions may be too personal for a work group, and you can swap in milder ones.

Common pitfalls

  • Running it with a direct manager and report as a pair, which makes set three awkward.
  • Rushing through all three sets in fifteen minutes so nothing goes deep.

Variations

  • Use sets one and two only for a 25-minute version.

Running it online or hybrid

Works well in video breakout pairs with the question list pasted into the chat.

What it produces

Pairs who know each other better than many longer-standing colleagues do.

Origin

From the 1997 study by Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron and colleagues; the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley publishes it as a practice. — source

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